Engaged!

Ashby and I (recent but pre-engagement)

It's official: I'm engaged.  I met Ashby last year the day I moved in at college.  It was an amazing string of coincidences that day which led us to be in the same room.  Something about her stood out to me, and I asked her out.  We have been dating ever since, and this summer I decided that I really wanted to marry her.  I wrote the following essay for a class, so it's kind of vague about what big decision it was that I was making; the decision was to marry Ashby.

I had first seen the Pacific Ocean a few days ago.  This was only the second time I have been close enough to actually touch the water.  The beach is like nothing I have ever seen.  Instead of the expected sand, the Oregon coast is presently covered with dark blue rocks.  As I walk down the beach, I first step on rocks the size of my fist.  The rocks gradually decrease in size, eventually becoming mere flakes of what must have at one time been immense boulders.  The rocks are amazingly smooth from rubbing up against one another for longer than anyone cares to remember.  As I walk, my weight causes the stones to shift under my feet.  Still, coming from a town just a walking distance from Lake Erie, the ocean seems vaguely familiar to me.  Sure, the waves are much larger and the water is salty but I can see no farther than I can across the lake at home.  For all I know there could be land just out of view past the horizon.

            It seems that whenever I experience great natural beauty, my mind runs free, unrestricted by its everyday thoughts.  The notion of the unseen land across the water reminds me of the future.  I know it exists somewhere, but where it lies, how far away it is and what shape it will take is utterly unknowable.  In the present age of information, with so much available on a whim, I have become used to receiving answers to my queries.  Not so with the future.  There is something that nobody can forecast, no search engine can locate.  This has always frightened me.  I find it comforting to have instructions to fall back on, even if I do not need them.  They lend a sense of security in an unpredictable world.  The future has always been frightening because there is no manual, not even a right or wrong answer.  Important decisions in my life are often hard to make because most paths have their benefits and I am reluctant to forgo any of them in favor of the others.  Here on the beach, I find myself pondering the future.  How to come to grips with uncertainty?  How to know if I’m making the right decisions?  Am I even asking the right questions?  Speaking the right language?

            As I try to make sense of these questions, a thought occurs to me.  I am who I am today because of the countless decisions I have made in my life.  I have always thought that most of them have been the “right” decision.  What about the others?  Some of my choices have been poor; looking back, a few have surely been the wrong decision.  Those “wrong” decisions have been a part of shaping who I am, just like the “right” ones.  I have to say that I am very happy with my life and who I am, so the “wrong” decisions I have made have apparently turned out for the best.  Does that mean they were the “right” decision for me?  Perhaps.

            Perhaps my notion of there being absolute right and wrong decisions is misguided.  If the act of making a “wrong” decision causes it to be the right one for me in the end, then was it not the right decision?  I’m realizing that I should no longer worry about making the best possible decision and instead focus on getting the most out of whichever decision I make.  Once the pressure of having to make the best decision is off, I will be better able to decide between two good alternatives knowing that they are likely both the right choice.  Whichever acceptable path I choose will be unique, and I will look back on the choice and know that it was the right one even though there may be another “right” path parallel to the one I am on.  I am not missing out on the other path, because I am fully enjoying the one I am on.  Here on the beach, I decide to go down the path through my life that I have been looking down with wonder for quite some time.  I know it is the right choice.

So, my decision was made, but then I had a lot of things to do before I could propose.  Here is the story of that process:

            I had decided sometime in the fall that I would ask Ashby to marry me.  I can’t be sure when the decision was made, but the decision was the product of a process I had begun in earnest over the summer.  It was at the Pacific Ocean that a rock on the beach had caught my eye.  I immediately knew that Ashby had to have that rock in an engagement ring.  After school started for the year I decided to get the ball rolling on the ring itself.  I sent the rock to Frank, my former cross country coach and scoutmaster who also is the jeweler in Erie.

            I sent several rocks to Frank, but he said that the one that had initially caught my eye was the best suited for use in a ring.  On an enterprise trip to Detroit I managed to get in to see Frank and chose a band.  I chose a very simple band because I wanted the rock and its story to stand out.  The only things left to do were to obtain Ashby’s parents’ blessing and to determine Ashby’s ring size.  One turned out to be much easier than the other.  I talked to her parents in the morning before I headed to Detroit for an expo.  Thankfully they were very delighted about the whole thing, although I think they were a understandably surprised at how quickly things had become so serious.  Ashby’s ring size on the other hand was not so easy to come by.  She had no rings to measure.  In fact she had never had a ‘real’ ring before.  Luckily Frank knows his business well, and made an educated guess.  I picked up the ring early in Thanksgiving Break.

            Now the only thing left was to ask, but when?  I had been thinking about the where’s and when’s and how’s for a while and had decided that I wanted to do it somewhere where we could be alone.  I also wanted it to be somewhere special for both of us.  Another consideration was that I wanted to ask while we were on break so that we could have it resized if need be.  So, when Ashby and her family came down for Thanksgiving I kept the ring in my coat pocket so that if the opportunity arose I would be ready.  I even made sure I put the box in my pocket the right way so that when I took it out it opened the right way.  As it turned out, I didn’t get a chance on Thanksgiving day which is just as well.  I didn’t want our special day to be on a national holiday; I wanted it to be special all on its own.  The next morning I saw my opportunity.  Ashby had spent the night at our house, and after breakfast mom asked if we wanted to walk our dog, Putter, and cut down a Christmas tree.  I tried not to act too excited about it to ruin the surprise, and Ashby and I went for the walk.  As we made the loop through the woods behind our house I worked to build up my courage.  After we passed the halfway point I decided that it was now or never.  I told Ashby the story of the rock I had found just as I had been rehearsing to myself for so long.  As I finished the story I knelt and… my hand got stuck in my pocket!  I wasn’t thinking about wearing gloves when I put the box in my coat.  It wasn’t a huge disaster because after a moment of wiggling I got the box out and asked her if she would marry me.

            I didn’t know what kind of reaction to expect, but I surely did not expect the one that happened.  Ashby’s reaction was somewhere between a cry and a laugh.  She knelt down beside me and hugged me for a long moment while she cried for joy.  After a while I realized that she hadn’t even seen the ring yet.  I was still a little worried that she wasn’t going to like it because it wasn’t a diamond.  When she saw it she loved it.  She had to ask me what hand it went on and in the excitement I told her to put it on the wrong hand because that’s where I had worn my high school class ring.  Much to my surprise the ring fit perfectly and did not need to be resized.  We finished the walk and finally Ashby had composed herself just enough to go inside and see my mom.  As soon as Ashby told her the news she began her laughing/crying for a moment again.  Mom was very excited at the news.  She told Ashby how she thought I could look for a long time and never find a girl like her.

            After that announcement, we went to cut down the tree we had chosen out of the evergreen patch and brought it in.  We then decided it was time to go back to Ashby’s house to tell her dad and Chloe the news.  We stopped by grandma’s on the way to let her know as well.  She was very happy and told Ashby she was happy to have another granddaughter.  On the way to Ashby’s house I finally realized that I had told her to put the ring on the wrong finger.  That mistake was quickly corrected and we hoped that nobody had noticed.  If they had, they were too polite to mention it.  When we got to Ashby’s house, I think she was unsure of how to make the announcement.  I made some small talk with her dad about how he enjoyed coming down to grandma’s for Thanksgiving dinner.  He told us that the whole family had enjoyed it, which was a relief because now he was becoming a part of my family.  After that Ashby worked up the courage to tell him the big news and he was just as happy about it as everyone else had been.  Our planned trip out to eat for lunch took on a whole new meaning that day.  Later when Ashby's sister Chloe had come out of the shower after running Ashby told her the news and Chloe could barely contain her excitement.  She wanted to tell all her friends but Ashby wouldn’t let her because she wanted to tell everyone herself and knew that word would spread like wildfire.  Ashby began to call all of her friends and one even came over to bring Ashby flowers and to congratulate us (and probably to make sure we weren’t pulling her leg).  When she heard the story of the ring she said that I really do understand Ashby.  That was good to hear.  Later, Ashby’s mom came home from work and after she had told a story about a frustrating day at work, Ashby told her the news as well.  She felt so bad about holding up the news with her story, but needless to say, she quickly forgot the stressful day of work.

It has already been a great few days.  Ashby and I couldn't be happier.  Everyone has been asking when the wedding will be, and the answer is that we're not sure yet.  Ideally it would be around the summer of 2010.  That could happen if many things fall into place just right.  We want to be sure that we are ready.  Now that we are engaged we can start making some concrete plans.  Thanks to everyone for your best wishes!